HADES (AP) - Walgreen Co., the nation's largest drugstore chain, announced this week the opening of its latest store in hell.
"We're here to serve our customers, and that includes the sinners that have passed on to the fiery netherworld," said Dan Castellaneta, Walgreens senior vice president of customer relations. "With the opening of our latest store, we're sending a strong message that says we'll be supporting them until hell freezes over."
The Walgreens from hell brings the total number of stores to just over 3,500. When asked about rumors of opening a store in heaven, Julie Kavner, vice president of marketing replied, "There is no market for a Walgreens in heaven. The people in heaven have no illness and need no prescriptions. They have everything they need, so you don't see them out shopping for sundry items."
The day of the grand opening on Mephistopheles Avenue, sinners stood in line amid the raging flames for blocks waiting their turn to enter the new store. "These people have nothing," said Nancy Cartwright, a cashier at the new store, "I'm glad we're able to make their eternal damnation a little more pleasant."
The lord of the underworld, Satan, was unavailable for comment.
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